Building an author's website using Wordpress

Like a lot of people 10 years ago I had built my html website using FrontPage and then later Microsoft Expression, but with a movie (Small Crimes) and a new thriller series coming out next year, I bit the bullet and built a new website using Wordpress. The advantages of using Wordpress are signficant:

1) Building a more professional and attractive looking website
2) using Wordpress's free resources to make your site SEO compliant.
3) Building a site that is also mobile friendly.
4) Building a site that is FAR easier to maintain and change!
5) Easily integrating a blog into your site.

There is so much more more you can do with Wordpress than that, such as integrate with MailChimp and build an Internet store. What I mention above is just the tip of the iceberg, and what I've focused on so far.

I was able to learn Wordpress in about a week by using the following resources:

Wordpress for Beginners--Master Wordpress Quickly -- this is a 20 hour online course I found on udemy.com. The instructor, Andrew Williams, is very good, and he covers all the nuts and bolts of building a website from scratch, including a lot of useful plugins, and other very useful information. Using Wordpress is very different than using a tool like FrontPage, very much a paradigm shift, and an online course like this one should be a prerequisite. I really like udemy.com's platform.

One you learn the basics, there are two major pieces that you want to dive into -- Visual Composer and Revolution Slider.

Visual Composer is a tool for building your website pages, and once you get the hang of it, it is very easy to use. There are a lot of free youtube video tutorials for it, and I recommend finding tutorials from WPTuts -- here's a good one to start with:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9SCWjdYWkI&list=PLTbrc9HXDstrx7j3-ORkLpyUidGpOj3WQ

Revolution Slider is what you use to build those cool animated slideshows for your website. This is a pretty good 2-hour tutorial:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1yq3j8jL2JM

This should give you most of the training you need to start working with Wordpress. Before you start building your website, you should make sure your hosting company provides necessary Wordpress support, including getting Wordpress free. Sitelock, protection is something you're going to want. Also you're going to want a security certificate for your site (around $39 a year). And you want to make sure that they have trained Wordpress support people, because unlike FrontPage sites that use html files, Wordpress uses a database, and things can get messed up easily, especially when moving a site.

Wordpress sites are based on themes--these are both free and commercial. The themes give your Wordpress site a certain look and feel. It's probably very possible to build a good Wordpress site using a free theme, but the commercial ones are not very expensive (most under $100) and they're slick. I chose the Creativo theme ($59), and it comes bundled with Visual Composer + Slider Revolution.  Both of rhese can be bought independently as plugins, but the Creativo theme adds some nice bells and whistles to both.

There are free plugins for caching (W3 Total Cache), security, image compression (Compress JPEG & PNG images), fixing your website after adding a security certificate (Really Simple SSL -- a must!), and building an SEO Sitemap (Yoast SEO). There are many other free + commercial plugins for doing a lot of cool and necessary stuff, such as database backups, spammer protection, etc., and Andrew's udemy.com course will point you to several of these.

One of several valuable resources Andrew's course pointed me to was photodune.net. This is a site for buying low cost ($1 - $5)  royalty-free photos, and they have a massive collection. This is where I got the police car and LA night scene photo for my home page slider, and the bull terrier for my about Jacob Stone page. An excellent resource for getting custom images designed is upwork.com, which is a site where you solicit bids from professionals around the world. The image of my books as row houses, which is shown on my home page, was done by Mihaela Voicu, an extremely talented graphic artist from Romania, whom I connected with from upwork.com. One of the reasons I chose Mihaela was because of the stunning book covers she has designed (which are shown in her portfolio)--so I heartily recommend Mihaela not only for custom images, but any authors looking for book cover design.

After my crash course, it took me about 3 1/2 days to build my website https//www.davezeltserman.com , and it probably would've taken me 1 1/2 days if I didn't get hung up on stupid stuff.

Hints:

1) When you buy a Wordpress theme, you might be offered an additional charge to have it installed on your website. I found that it was easy enough to do it myself.

2) Another added charge that was offered was to build the demo website that the theme shows. I don't see any point to that, and am guessing it would be far more work to take down all those pages than anything you'd get from it. Again, Wordpress is a different paradigm than FrontPage/HTML, and you probably won't get anything out of looking at those demo pages until you take the course and online tutorials that I mention above, and at that point, those demo pages would be unnecessary.

3) You'll need a security certificate so that your site runs over https. Your Wordpress site will show up malformed on some percentage of browsers out there without it. And once the certificate is installed you want to install and run the Really Simple SSL plugin to fix up your database.

4) Revolution Slider is not only very powerful, but incredibly easy to use once you learn it. One of the things I got hung up on was how to control the height of the slider because I kept missing the easy control that was provided. This is one of the things that each theme will do differently.

5) Mojo Marketplace suggested I build my Wordpress site under a temporary director and move it to my home site when ready. If possible, build it under your home site, otherwise you're going to have link issues once it's moved that are going to need a Wordpress expert to fix.

6) http://www.myebook.co.za/how-to-make-a-free-3d-cover-image-of-your-book gives your all the steps needed to build a 3D book cover, like the one I show for Small Crimes on my home page slider.

I hope this helps authors (and others) to migrate from html and o the world of Wordpress,

A new Julius Katz story!

Well, really, a new Archie story.

I'm going to be transitioning from this blog, at least as far as writing news goes, and using the blog I created for my new website. You read more about this new story at:

http://www.davezeltserman.com/new-archie-story/

Who is this Jacob Stone guy?

 

Here is the first of my Morris Brick thrillers that Kensington Books will be publishing under my Jacob Stone pseudonym. The book will by out 3/7/2017, and here's some advanced praise:

“A fascinating and exciting blend of misdirection, topsy-turvy, and violence.” —Reed Farrel Coleman

“A dark and different serial killer novel that will haunt the reader long after the book is closed.” —John Lutz

“Los Angeles has seldom seen such grisly fun. It’s James Ellroy meets Alfred Hitchcock on the psychotic side of the street.” —Paul Levine

“One of the most compelling, thrilling, and truth be told, at times look-away-from-page-frightening serial killer novels I've read in a long, long time.” —Vincent Zandri

Advanced copies can be ordered now at Amazon and BN.

  

Small Crimes filming!

From Deadline Hollywood:

EXCLUSIVE: Two-time Oscar nominee Jacki Weaver (Silver Linings Playbook, Animal Kingdom), Oscar nominee Robert Forster (Jackie Brown) along with Emmy nominees Gary Cole (Veep) and Molly Parker (House of Cards) have joined Game of Thrones’ actor Nikolaj Coster-Waldau in director E.L. Katz’s crime thriller, Small Crimes.

My new crime thriller series, and how I got the deal

Last week I signed a contract with Kensington Publishing for a 3-book crime thriller series, the first of which will be titled DERANGED, published under the pseudonym Jacob Stone, and will be released 3/17. I'm thrilled to have Kensington publishing these books, and I'm especially proud of how I got this deal. Like a lot of writers (and for a number of reasons) I found myself in a position after having my 11th book published where it was going to be almost impossible to get any future books published unless a film got made. Now that SMALL CRIMES is being filmed this July hopefully I'll be able to get my best noir novel, MURDER CLUB published--a book that so far will only be published in Germany and which a Little Brown editor told me was the best crime novel he'd read in years but wouldn't be able to buy unless I had a movie made, as well a several other offstream horror books I've written that I feel rank up there with THE CARETAKER OF LORNE FIELD.

So how did I get this deal with Kensington? Pretty much by deciding it was time I looked at it more as being a professional writer and writing what a publisher wanted as opposed to writing only the books I wanted to write. In 2012 at the Bouchercon conference in Cleveland, I got into a conversation with Michaela Hamilton, who is Editor in Chief at Kensington's Citadel line, and Michaela expressed an interest in publishing me. At the time I'd just had Monster published by Overlook Press, with The Boy Who Killed Demons to follow, and I also didn't know if I wanted to (or could) write a thriller series. All my books had so far been standalones, and I think you'd have to stretch the definition of what a thriller is to call any of my books thrillers. They were crime noir novels, horror novels, dark mixes of crime and horror, and even one allegorical fable. Still, though, I appreciated Michaela's interest, and I stored it away. 

So fast forward to 2015. It was looking more likely that I needed a film to go into production before I'd be able to sell any of the offstream standalone books I was writing. I had three books under film option, and while the film companies were working hard to get them made it wasn't something I could count on. So I had a choice--figure out a way to get published or give it up and go back to software development. I was also feeling better thanks to my Julius Katz mystery stories (most of them really novellas) that Ellery Queen was publishing (8 so far published, 4 more in the pipeline) that I could both write a series, and enjoy doing so. 

So I contacted Michaela to see if she was still interested in publishing me. She was, and I worked on a plot outline for the first book of a thriller series, something pretty wild involving a hunt by a number of spy agencies for missing Tesla papers that had a lot of action and some mindbending scifi elements to it, and Michaela explained the reality of the situation to me--that any thriller I write for them can't merge into other genres. So then it was a matter of nailing down which genre they publish that I should focus on. There wasn't much chance I was going to write cozies (my Julius Katz mysteries might be mostly bloodless and have a good amount humor, but there's a hard edge to them, and they're certainly not cozies!), so we narrowed it down to either a horror or crime thrillers. When I asked Michaela for a list of their books she thought I should read, her list was made up only of serial killer thrillers, so I took the hint. One of the books she recommended was Slaughter by John Lutz, and I quickly fell in love with the wit, humor, and quickness of his style and plotting. I read it in one long afternoon and night (400 something pages), read two more of his Frank Quinn series, and realized I could enjoy writing these types of books. Not a copy of his Frank Quinn series, but fun crime thrillers with a dark edge, lots of surprises and twists, dark humor and rapid-paced plots. So now that I knew what type of book and series I wanted to write, I worked on a profile for a detective/investigator that I would want to spend a series with (as well as his family, associates, and friends), an overarching theme for the series (Hollywood & the desire for stardom/notoriety will lurk under the surface for all the books), and a detailed outline for the first book.

Once I had all this done, I sent it to Michaela. She had some suggestions, but liked it a lot, and told me that this would be the kind of book she'd like to publish. While I couldn't get any more of a commitment than that, I set about writing this first book, and 3 months later had it written (roughly 90,000 words), and a 3-book deal quickly followed!

Small Crimes Film!

This is all very exciting. Nikolaj Coster-Waldau will be starring in Small Crimes, which will be filming this summer.

Variety announcing Small Crimes

For fans of Julius Katz

 

The full-length Julius Katz detective novel, JULIUS KATZ & ARCHIE, is now on sale! Four times the length and ten times the fun of the award-winning Julius Katz novellas that have appeared in Ellery Queen Mystery Magazine, and now for only $0.99!

 

New story TOWN PRIDE online

I've got one of my more unusual stories TOWN PRIDE online now at Beat to a Pulp

one of my early noir stories

I wrote 'All For Her' back in 1998. At this point I had written Fast Lane, which I was trying to sell, and sold two short stories, A Long Time to Die to New Mystery Magazine and Next Time to Hardboiled Magazine.  As a writer, I was feeling my way around, and it was going to be another five years before I'd write Small Crimes, then another four years to see Small Crimes in print.

'All For Me' is one of my very early writing efforts, and the writing is rougher than my later works, but it also has an energy that I like. It's also heavily influenced by the infamous Charles Stuart murder case. 'All For Me' was originally published on the Judas crime story webzine.

All For Me

I looked at her, all peaceful, all quiet and serene. Sleeping on her stomach with her arm across my chest and her head nestled against my shoulder. So much in love with me.

It choked me up realizing I had to kill her.

She made a soft purring noise. I put my hand against the back of her head and gently caressed her hair, and her purring became more content, like a soft running engine. Her body wiggled closer to me. I could feel a moist heat coming from it.

She really didn't leave me any choice.

How many times has she told me she'd rather be dead than live without me? Too many times to remember. So you could look at it like I was going to be doing her a favor. Saving her from unbearable misery. Because if I didn't kill her I would leave her, and not just because I was sick of her short plump body, at least not entirely. Besides, Sue has over and over again told me she'd do anything to make me happy and there's not much in this world that would make me any happier than collecting from her eight hundred thousand dollar life insurance policy.

I reached over and kissed her big soft red lips. She stirred and opened her eyes, looking at me a little groggily. "Hi," she murmured.

"Just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me," I whispered into her ear, and then went to sleep.

The next morning I told her I was going to meet my cousin Steve after work for a few drinks.

"I was hoping you could start coming home earlier,” she said, her lips pushing into a tiny frown. “Maybe you could quit going out so much."

I took another bite of the scrambled eggs and sausage and chewed it slowly before turning back to her, grinning. "You're sounding like an old married woman." I winked at her. "Besides, you don't want to deprive me of having a little fun, do you?"

"You can't have fun with me?"

"Come on." I could feel my grin straining a bit. "Let's not start this again."

"I don't want you seeing him. I don't like him!"

I took another bite of scrambled eggs and took my time chewing it. "Look," I told her. "I don't like that attitude about my family, understand? And besides, if you want to worry about something, why don't you start worrying about all the weight you've been packing on. What is it, twenty pounds in the last two months?"

Sue stared at me, her face stuck in a queer smile. Her bottom lip started quivering, and well, it was sort of like watching a fuse after it had been lit. All at once, as if the spark had reached the explosives, she started bawling, shedding tears like a goddamn fountain.

"Aw come on, Sugar," I tried pleading. "I didn't mean anything by it. Only there's more of you to love, that's all."

None of my coaxing and apologizing helped. She just sat there, her mouth stretched grotesquely, wailing and moaning like there was no tomorrow. It made me feel a little funny, but I was late for work as it was so all I could do was shovel down the rest of my breakfast and promise her I wouldn't be out too late with my cousin.

As I'd already said, if I didn't kill her I would have to leave her. The act was beginning to wear thin, so to speak. Things I used to swallow down were now slipping out. I couldn't help myself, and the worst part was how much I was enjoying it.

###

Steve was sitting alone at a back table nursing a beer. From far away he looked like he could've been my twin. Up close, though, he wasn't as good looking thanks to acne scarring around his cheeks and a pale sickly complexion. I joined him.

"How you doing, Cuz," I asked.

"Not bad." He took a sip of his beer and shifted his eyes to me before staring back at some imaginary spot on the table. "What you got?"

"How does fifty grand sound?"

His eyes moved back to me. Half-closed, unblinking, and against the unnatural paleness of his skin, they could've been the eyes of a mannequin.

"Now Cuz, what you got that an insurance company will pay fifty grand for?" he asked, his lips twisting into a thin smile.

"My wife's neck."

He was sipping his beer when I said that and it almost came out before he was able to swallow it back down. A shadow fell over his eyes. "That's not funny, Cuz."

I signaled the waitress for a beer and waited ‘til she brought it and left before turning back to my cousin. "No," I conceded. "It's not funny. Well, maybe a little. It sure the hell is profitable, though."

"Tommy," Steve said, his voice low and edgy. "This isn't the type of insurance scam I want to run, okay? Now if you got some jewelry or stereo equipment, let me know where and when, okay?"

I started laughing. "What's your problem, Cuz? Don't tell me it's your high sense of morality ’cause I heard about you whacking Murphy. And I know you didn't get any fifty grand for it."

"But your wife?"

"Why the hell not?"

He began playing with his beer glass, rolling it between his palms. "Sue's a good kid. I like her," he said, almost embarrassed.

"Yeah well, she thinks you're scum of the earth," I told him. "Told me so just this morning. And you know what a big mouth she's got. If she ever found out about Murphy, Jesus, I just don't know. Wouldn't surprise me if your mom ended up being told about it, and god knows who else."

My cousin sat staring at me, his face frozen hard, his eyes like pale green marbles. It seemed a long time before he nodded. I told him how we were going to murder my wife.

"The cops are going to suspect you," he said. "Especially when they get wind of the insurance policy."

"Hey, let them. I'm going to be a victim too, you know."

"You got a girlfriend?"

"What difference does that make?"

"Big difference. Tommy, this is no kid's game. You got a girlfriend and this thing goes down the cops aren't going to give up on you. You got one?"

I shook my head. "There's a blond babe at work who wants it bad but I haven't given it to her yet. You should see her, Cuz. Twenty-two, gorgeous, works out all the goddamn time. A waist like this -" I demonstrated with my hands, spreading them less than a foot apart. "Could hurt a guy. But I'll wait an appropriate mourning period before finding out just how much. Okay?"

He didn't say anything. He just sat there staring at me. Heartless bastard. A man's planning to kill his wife and all he could do was sit there and stare.

I nodded at him. "Tomorrow night, eight o'clock. Just like we talked about."

"You're sure, Cuz?"

"Hell yes."

###

When I got home Sue was unforgiving. Her eyes were red and puffy, as if she'd spent the whole day crying. When I tried talking to her, she ignored me and went straight to the bedroom, slamming the door behind her. Later, when I joined her in bed, she turned her back to me and moved as far over as she could. It hurt me. Sort of made me feel sick inside. Lying there I realized how it was our last night together and I started feeling even sicker. I guess I also started feeling a little anxious, too anxious to sleep.

I began massaging her, and well, Sue could never stay mad at me. Before too long we were making up. It didn't help, though. Afterwards, I was more anxious than when we started.

I woke Sue up a few more times and each time we'd go at it. It would tire me out but nothing else. It didn't help with the edginess. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't keep from thinking. During one of our tumbles Sue murmured how I couldn't keep my hands off her. I had to bite my lip to keep from bawling like a baby.

I was out of bed before the alarm went off. Sue was still sound asleep by the time I slipped out of the house. I guess I was feeling too anxious to trust myself with her.

At work it was more of the same. I couldn't sit still. I couldn't keep from thinking about it… from thinking about what was going to happen. I tried but I couldn't.

Sometime during the afternoon I had flowers delivered. I included a note describing how I loved her more than life itself. It couldn't hurt to make her last few hours happy, and well, to also leave evidence for the cops about how blissfully married we were.

As I said the day dragged on. It was torture. By the time I left work my stomach felt like hell. Like a glass of milk would've been too much for it. Driving home the pain got so bad I had to pull over to keep from blacking out. I just sat there, doubled over, shaking like a goddamn junkie.

By the time I got home I must've looked like a wreak. When Sue saw me her round, soft face broke into a worried frown. She put her palm against my forehead, her frown deepening. "You feel warm, Dear," she said. "Why don't you go lie down."

I forced a smile. "Maybe later. Right now I'm taking you out to dinner."

She started shaking her head. "I want you to lie down now and ..."

I put my finger against her mouth and quieted her. "No way, Sugar." I said. "I'm going to make it up to you for acting like such a jerk before. Nothing you say is going to change my mind. Now move your cute ass into the car."

She looked like she wanted to argue but I guess she saw it was useless. Her face softened and she nodded. I followed her outside.

As I drove, Sue sat quietly, withdrawn, maybe even a little anxious herself. I told her I had reservations at her favorite yuppie rip-off joint in Manhattan. All she did was nod. She looked uncomfortable. "This is a nice idea," she said after a while. "I've got  something to tell you."

"Good news, I hope?" I said without looking at her. She answered me with a weak nod I caught from the corner of my eye.

I turned off from Flatbush Avenue and headed towards the projects before turning down a blind alley.

"Where are you going?" Sue asked, puzzled.

"I need to meet Steve. It will just take a minute," I said staring straight ahead, not trusting myself to 

look at her.

There was a long silence, and without looking at her I knew how her face was transforming itself. 

"I'm not going to wait here for him," she said at last. "If you don't want to eat dinner with me now, I'll find a cab and go myself."

Something in me snapped. It had to have. I turned to her and lost all control. I started saying things that were so ugly and cruel that even now I cringe thinking about it. Sue sat horrified, her face turning pale white. Her bottom lip started quivering and then the tears leaked out and that just egged me on even more. I kept at it even after I saw my cousin emerge from the shadows.

Steve moved quickly. He got in the back seat, put a gun to Sue's head and pulled the trigger. Twice.

I was hit across the face by a wet sticky spray and realized it was her blood. As she fell forward I saw the hole in the back of her head. The way she ended up against the dashboard…I just wasn't prepared for it. The way her mouth was left twisted open with thick strands of saliva hanging from it, and her face soaked wet with tears and blood. And her eyes, oh god, her eyes...

How in the world could I've been?

My cousin got out the car, came around front to Sue's side, and took the jewelry from her body. I guess I must've panicked. It was only natural after watching what just happened. Hell anyone else would've done the same. All I needed were a few minutes to get myself together, but when my cousin lifted his head to face me his eyes glazed over and then closed halfway.

"What are you waiting for?" I guess I was screaming. I raised my arm because we agreed for him to shoot me in a fleshy area below the bone where he couldn't do much damage. "What the hell are you waiting for?"

He lowered the gun, and the sonofabitch shot me in the stomach.

I stared at him and then at my stomach and watched as a large red circle grew outward. "You killed me," I moaned. "You dirty sonofabitch, you killed me."

"You're panicking, Cuz," he said quietly.

All I could do was stare at him. His face seemed to fade in and out. Blurring into a white ball and then disappearing into darkness. "I'm dying," I cried. I was holding my stomach with both hands. I could feel the wetness growing.

"It'd be a shame if you did, Cuz." he said. "Especially how I wouldn't get a dime from any of this. But if you live maybe you'll keep your mouth shut. Maybe you won't panic when the cops come—"

I stopped hearing him. I leaned forward against the horn. After a while I couldn't hear it either. And then there was nothing but darkness.

###

The darkness broke. I realized I was on a stretcher. One of the guys carrying it was crying. He saw that my eyes were open.

"Your wife," he tried to explain. "I'm so sorry."

"What about my stomach? Am I going to need a colostomy bag?"

I had to close my eyes again. Everything was spinning around so fast. And then it all just went black again.

###

I was later told I was out for three days. Well, sort of out. I know I slipped back into consciousness a few times. Once I felt something moving inside me and then heard a guy yelling, "For Chrissakes, get him under!" Another time I saw Sue's parents standing over me, their faces cold, expressionless. Then I fell back into the darkness

###

When I finally came out of it I felt like death. Like I had the type of hangover maybe a couple of gallons of cheap vodka and a few swallows of chewing tobacco might produce. My stomach felt sore and stiff, like it had been worked over with a two by four. I could barely open my eyes.

I heard someone calling my name. I couldn't lift my head. A few seconds later a thin man with small black eyes leaned over me.

"Tom Williams, can you talk now?" he asked, studying me like I was an insect.

I opened my mouth. It felt like I had a dozen sweat socks stuffed in my throat. "W-water," I murmured, and then I started gagging.

He moved away. Almost right after that I heard an argument coming from the room, then a nurse bringing me water. She washed me off with a sponge and took my blood pressure. After she left I laid on my back staring at the ceiling.

###

The next day they had me propped up in bed. I could see my stomach was wrapped with a thick bandage. Even though they had me doped up on some heavy stuff I felt like hell. The day dragged on. A few times I started to think of Sue. I could see her face white, blood-streaked, eyes staring at nothing. Mercifully, the stuff they had me on kept my mind drifting. Still, images of her kept coming back.

Later that afternoon, the doctor came in and introduced himself and told me what was going on. For a while they thought they were going to lose me. I had cleared the hurdle, though. I wasn't going to need a colostomy bag. I had a tough road ahead but every indication pointed to a full recovery. Nothing was mentioned about Sue.

When he was done he looked around uncomfortably. "We'd like to keep visitors away for the next few days. There's a police detective who needs to speak to you. Do you feel up to talking with him?" he asked.

I looked past the doctor and nodded. The same man who had been staring over me the day before was brought in. He introduced himself as Detective Lou Marzon.

"I know you're not feeling very good, Mr. Williams, but I need to ask some questions to help catch the guy who did this. Do you remember what happened?"

I nodded. I had a tough time talking. My voice sounded weak and hollow as I told him how I had tried taking a shortcut to a bank machine and a junkie jumped into the back of the car and made me drive to that alley.

"Can you describe him?"

I shook my head and made up some crap about it all happening so fast. I vaguely described someone who could've been any one of the hundreds of junkies living off the streets of Brooklyn. He tried prodding me for more details, but I kept shaking my head and muttering how it all happened so fast. Finally he put down his notebook and studied me.

"Can I call you Tom?" he asked.

I nodded.

"Tell me, Tom," he said. "Why haven't you asked about your wife?"

I looked away. "Because I already know she's dead. The ambulance attendant told me."

"Yeah, he told us you didn't seem that concerned. All you cared about was whether you were going to need a colostomy bag."

I met his small black fish eyes. "I was in shock. Ever been shot in the stomach? What the hell point are you trying to make?"

"None. Just trying to clear up loose ends. When you're up to it we'll bring over some photos for you to look at. Maybe something might click."

"Thanks, Detective." I lifted my hand and he reluctantly took it. He had a soft, moist grip.

"This is so damn tragic," he sighed. "A five month pregnant wife shot dead in front of her husband. What's this world coming to?"

All I could do was stare at him. And the sonofabitch was staring right back, measuring the reaction he got.

"What are you talking about?" I croaked in a hoarse whisper.

"You didn't know your wife was pregnant?"

I put my hands to my eyes and started weeping. I had my eyes shut tight, but I could hear my doctor ushering Marzon out of the room. The detective tried protesting but soon his voice faded to nothing. I knew I was alone then, but I couldn’t stop weeping, at least not right away. I couldn’t understand why Sue didn't tell me she was pregnant. Maybe it had something to do with me joking about the only way I'd like to see a kid of mine was on the end of a coat hanger. I was only joking. She should've known better. It showed how little she trusted me, and right then that knowledge hurt as much as my stomach did.

###

Marzon came back the next day with a stack of mugshots. I picked out about half a dozen but told him I wasn't sure of any of them. He didn't seem to mind. As he was leaving he asked about my cousin Steve, about how often I saw him.

Fortunately, I was still doped up, so he didn't get any telling reaction out of me. Without a second of hesitation I told him Steve and I were always playing together as kids. That I still saw him every once in a while. And in fact, I had a few beers with him the night before I was shot. Marzon let it drop.

Three days later my family was allowed to visit. My mom and dad and four of my brothers and sisters were first. Sue's parents also came that day. They didn't say much, though. Steve showed up a couple of days later with a group of my other cousins. I avoided shaking hands with him. He stood off to the side, staring sullenly at the floor. His face looked paler than usual, his lips pressed into a tight, bloodless grin.

Two weeks later Steve came by for another visit. By then I had gotten to where I could move around. When he came in, he looked past me.

"Come on, Cuz," he said. "I think you could use some fresh air."

I let him help me to my feet. I had to use a cane. It took a while to get down the hallway and to the elevator. As soon as the elevator door closed, he went nuts.

"Why the hell didn't you tell me she was pregnant?” he seethed. “Why the hell didn't you?"

I just shrugged. “I just thought she was getting fat,” I said.

Of course, I was lying. A blind man could've seen that Sue was pregnant. And then there how she’d gotten so moody and weepy, like her hormones were off-kilter. I must’ve known. I had to have.

"You sonofabitch. You dirty, stinking sonofabitch. I wish I had blown your head off instead of hers."

“Calm down, Cuz. So what if Sue was pregnant? It doesn’t change anything.”

"It doesn’t, huh?” He stood staring at me, his mouth moving like he was chewing gum, like he could barely control himself. “You had to tell her you're going to meet me for drinks?” he finally let out, his voice a harsh whisper. “Well, bright boy, she told her mom who then told the cops. Same with the flowers you sent. You're married to her four years and never send flowers until the day you plan on killing her. And that note you sent with them? Jesus Christ, you got any brains in your head? You want to guess how I know about this? You want to guess who's been telling me?"

His eyes glazed over. His lips sort of snarled up like what you'd see on a feral animal, and he pushed me hard in the chest. I toppled backwards and had to grab onto an armrest to keep from falling over. I pulled myself back up and held my breath while a sharp, cutting pain ripped through my stomach. When it passed, I forced a grin at him.

"You're not thinking straight, Cuz," I said. "The cops have nothing, you understand? Nothing. And thanks to that near fatal wound you gave me, which I haven't totally forgiven you for, they got less than nothing. But if you start beating me up here, hey, we're both finished."

He stood breathing hard, his hands clenched at his side. "Show some fucking brains," he forced out, his voice trembling. Neither of us said anything after that.

Later, I couldn't keep from thinking about him. About how unglued he got. Of course I knew the cops suspected me, but I also knew it didn't matter. That bullet I took to the stomach gave me more public sympathy than I'd ever imagine. For them to risk charging me they'd have to have something solid. And they had nothing. Still, I couldn't keep from thinking about the way Steve had panicked. Even after I'd gotten released from the hospital I couldn't get it out of my mind. It kept nagging at me, worrying me.

I took a walk to a corner drugstore and called Steve at home. He called me back ten minutes later from a pay phone. His voice sounded odd.

"I just spoke to our friend, Detective Marzon," he said. "He told me you spent five grand on a diamond necklace for your girlfriend."

"What's your point?"

"And that you were screwing her for months before what happened to Sue."

"You mean before you killed her, Cuz."

"You crazy bastard. You crazy stupid bastard. You really don't have any brains, do you?"

"Look, Cuz," I said. "I think we better talk in private. Meet me at Vincent's in an hour."

He paused. "Better make it two hours." He hung up with a faint click.

I walked back home and found an eight inch carving knife in the kitchen. I held it up and studied it. My Cuz really didn't leave me much of a choice, but I have to admit I was sort of looking forward to it. He was panicking and he had to be taken care of. That was only part of it, though. I still hadn't forgiven him about shooting me in the stomach. That still was only part of it. He had murdered my wife and my unborn child, which I later found out would've been my son. I couldn't get that out of my mind.

I sat around, waiting, and parked three blocks from Vincent's Bar, walking the rest of the way. There was an alley across from the bar's parking lot. I hid behind a dumpster. In the dark no one would be able to see me.

My Cuz ended up being quite a bit late. After he pulled into the lot, I stood up and called to him, signaling him towards me. As he walked over, he told me it was too late.

"What are you talking about, Cuz?" I asked. I had the knife hidden in my jacket.

"It's too late for what you're planning. I already made a deal with the cops. I spilled my guts to Marzon over the phone two minutes ago.” He had his cell phone out, and I saw his fingers typing out something. “I just texted Marzon, told him where we are. He’ll be here in minutes."

All I could do was stare at him. A soft buzzing started in my ears. "You shouldn't have done that, Cuz."

"I had to with the way you’re acting. They would've got both of us, Tommy. I had to make a deal while I still could. I’m here to try talking some sense into you. If you’re smart, you could save the family a lot of pain. It would be best for everyone."

"Very considerate of you, Cuz. Let me guess, in your story you didn't know what was going to happen to Sue, is that right?"

"Look, Tommy. I'm sorry about all this. You know I always liked you. But try and think what's best for the family. Your mom and dad."

I held out my hand to him. "You're right, Steve. I'm sorry about all this, too."

He actually took my hand. In one motion, I pulled him towards me and swung the knife into his gut. 

The blade stuck halfway into him. He sagged to the ground. His face looked green, his eyes surprised and scared.

As he sat on the amongst the broken glass and trash, I kicked away at the knife. He moaned a little and then there was nothing. I kept kicking at him until the knife was completely in him. What he said before about spilling his guts was now entirely accurate.

I kicked him a few more times, but it had gotten kind of useless. His eyes were dull and vacant. He was long gone.

If Steve was leveling with me, the cops would be there soon. I had to leave. I knew killing him wouldn't help me any with the cops, but it had to be done. For Sue's sake. For the sake of my murdered son.

###

Once I got in my car, I scribbled a quick suicide note, then drove to the Manhattan bridge and got out of the car. What I was going to do was stop a car and throw the driver over the bridge. I thought with my car left behind with the note and a dead body floating in the East River, it would give me enough time to get to Canada. But standing on the bridge and looking at the water, only one thing seemed right. And so I did it.

I had hoped the impact would've killed me right off, but it didn't. Only broke my neck. And it took so long to die. As I sunk to the bottom, paralyzed, it felt like my lungs were going to burst, and then my head. It was unbearable. And as I waited, all I could think of was Sue. It was like she was right there with me, staring at me with her cold, dead eyes. And as much as I tried, I couldn't get her to see the truth. How I did it all for her.